Adverbial Obligation

(Adverbial Obligation once had the world at his fingertips. Every ear and eye across the globe waited with bated breath to hear and read what he had to say next. And then in a flash, like heat lightning striking the Uluru, he vanished. Yet nearly three years later, a span of time that has seen the economy plummet, the nation elect a black man, and Andrew W. K. fail to garner a single Grammy nomination for an Oscar, he has peeked out his head, carefully surveying his surroundings and is quietly taking the blogosphere by storm. Extremely quietly. Tiger Beat recently sat down with Adverbial at his 2-bedroom apartment to discuss his life over the past few years.)

 

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TB: Hey, Adverbial. Thanks for taking the time to talk to Tiger Beat.

 

AO: Thanks, hon.

 

TB: I’m a guy.

 

AO: Oh. Well, androgyny is beautiful; don’t let anyone tell you differently.

 

TB: Before we really get into it, I just wanted to say that the new blog looks great. Truly.

 

AO: Thank you.

 

TB: Your fan following on the blog has already doubled in the last week alone – how do you handle this sudden brush with fame?

 

AO: I wouldn’t necessarily call it “sudden.” Nor would I call it a “brush.” I used to blog quite frequently back in the day, and established a pretty resounding fan base. I remember one day, a fan called me on my cell phone out of the blue, just to comment on my post from the previous day.

 

TB: Wow. What did this fan have to say?

 

AO: Well, it was my mother, and she wasn’t too happy about my open discussion involving her flatulence during my youth. But a hit’s a hit, and I think my present blog might even be up to 23. It’s nowhere near the hits on my last site – I think it was about 62 at the 8-month mark – but I am hoping to reach that and possibly do even better.

 

TB: What stopped you in the first place?

 

Adverbial removes a Tootsie Roll Pop from his pocket, unwraps it, and puts it inside his mouth. Succulently.

 

AO: Life, bro. Effing life. I graduated, moved to the big city, simultaneously relished and despised the unemployment, then got a job working as an administrative assistant at a general contractor, a job I’ve been unable to escape ever since.

 

TB: So, the typical path of an English major?

 

AO: Exactly. But with a few less bells and whistles. Well, less bells. Same amount of whistles.

 

TB: So between the bout with unemployment and the entry level position, why did you feel that you didn’t have time to share your daily insights with the blogosphere?

 

AO: It wasn’t as though I was trying to neglect my audience. I actually found myself extraordinarily busy during those weeks of unemployment. I had to get through two seasons of Lost, go to a few job interviews, go through four seasons of 24, set up cable in the apartment… re-watch the first season of Lost in under 20 hours… Okay, fine. I was lazy and it fell by the wayside.

 

TB: You kind of have that problem, don’t you? For example, you’ve put THIS post off for quite some time.

 

AO: Which post?

 

TB: The one you’re presently typing – this interview.

 

Adverbial lets out an exasperated sigh.

 

AO: Look, the last thing my audience needs to deal with right now is a metafictional post, okay? They’re trying to read a fake interview that humorously updates them on my life over the past three years, not deal with subtext incongruously laid out in front of them. So let’s just keep moving. Next question.

 

TB: Let’s talk about that first year after college – a lot changed for you, didn’t it?

 

AO: Yes and no. The week after I graduated I moved up to Minneapolis because it seemed like a really good idea, one that I had about a week before I graduated. I lived with three good friends: Nasty, Puff and Tlougan. Nasty was the quiet one. He sometimes would mine for gold, or lead hour-long expeditions into the recesses of hell, or try to sell his potions, but sometimes he would turn World of Warcraft off and come play darts with the rest of us. Puff was kind of the ring leader – things didn’t happen unless he said they were going to happen. Boulders didn’t roll until he pushed them. Tlougan was student teaching and absolutely loving life. I don’t remember a single day in which he came home upset about his day. He was always grinning and joking around with us. [Laughs] Man, did he love to go out and spend money.

 

TB: What did you guys do for fun?

 

AO: We would go out, play darts, sip lightly on Special Export, and just overall be gentlemanly in our actions. I mean, we were 22 years old – it was time to face maturity, you know? Excuse me for one second.

 

Adverbial stands up and walks over to his kitchen, throwing the stick from his Tootsie Roll pop in the trashcan. He pulls a Pepsi out of the fridge and grabs a half-eaten bag of Cheetos from the cupboard before sitting back down.

 

AO: And furthermore, for all those out there who think it’s “immature” to challenge your friends to see who can eat a Tremendous Twelve from Perkin’s faster, I suggest you try it and realize all the lessons to be learned from that experience.

 

–THE ADVERBIAL INTERVIEWS WILL CONTINUE WITH PART 2–